Cadences of God

By Tracy Majka, Court TV

A suspect who apparently had delusions of grandeur claimed to be the Almighty himself when he allegedly tried to take money from a Texas bank, according to authorities. The would-be deity’s earthly saga began on April 17, 2007, around 2 p.m. in Forth Worth, Texas.

Police said the man stopped his pickup truck along a highway exit ramp, got out and attempted to wave motorists around his vehicle. When a police officer approached him, the man allegedly said, “I am God. Don’t you know me?” The officer ordered him to move along, and the man did. He drove to Frost Bank. He entered the bank, told a teller he had a weapon and demanded cash, police said. The teller handed over an undisclosed amount of money. Before he left, the suspect instructed the teller not to call police, saying, “No one can see me because I am God.”

But the suspect’s entrance and exit was clearly captured on surveillance video, according to Lieutenant Dean Sullivan of the Forth Worth Police Department. Sullivan said the man never displayed a gun. “He never hurt anybody,” he said. “But he’s a really big guy, so he scared some people.” Later that night, police arrested suspect Frank Anthony Powell, 40, in a Forth Worth neighborhood, after a resident reported a man walking through his neighborhood and acting “strangely.” When police arrived, they recognized Powell from the bank surveillance video, Sullivan said. After a struggle, police Tasered Powell and arrested him. He is currently in a Forth Worth hospital undergoing a mental evaluation and will be charged with robbery of a financial institution, Sullivan said. The money has not yet been recovered. No injuries were reported. And no miracles were performed. All told, he stole more than $5,000 worth of gum, police said.   

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Deep in the dark recesses of the Christian community lurks a demonic little group led by a man named Fred Phelps. Phelps has for years been engaged in what he believes is a moral crusade against the United States and it’s fall from some perceived ethical standard of long ago. He believes that the Unites States has fallen from grace by tolerating homosexuals and we are being punished by God for our sins. He blames gays for the destruction of the Challenger, 9/11, the War in Iraq, and – most recently – the shootings at Virginia Tech. He sometimes refers to gays and lesbians as “these beasts”. He claims the Fire Fighters who died at the World Trade Center and Mr. Rogers are in Hell (not joking!).

And just in case you are not sure that Phelps is serious about blaming homosexual persons for all the evils in the world, just check out his website. It is poetically enough called www.godhatesfags.com.  Yup, you read that right. For a hoot, check out the companion sight set up by Phelps in opposition to the lenient laws of Sweden www.godhatessweden.com (Again, not a joke!) Oh yes, Fred Phelps also hates Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist, NFL star Reggie White, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), Jews, Catholics, Scandinavians, and the Irish. Lastly, he claims Al Gore is a “famous fag pimp”. I guess those websites are still pending.

One of Fred Phelps’ more – shall we say – endearing qualities is that he likes to picket funerals. He picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepherd, the young man who was brutally assaulted in Laramie, Wyoming and strung up on a fence facing a road for all to see. He ultimately died after a few days from a fracture that ran from the back of his head to the front of his right ear. 22 year old Shepherd was gay and his attacker admitted this was the reason they attacked and killed the boy.

Every major church – even the most conservative in the America – condemned the attack as brutal, monstrous and opposed to the best values that God commands for each and every one of us. Every one. Even the churches that condemn homosexuality says that – while Shepherd was a sinner – what those two men did to him was worse.Everyone except Fred Phelps, who showed up with a brigade to picket the funeral of Shepherd and denounce any public outcry for the execution of a gay man.

Phelps has in recent years taken to picketing the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. He believed that Saddam Hussein was the only Muslim leader in the Middle East who allowed the Gospel to be preached and supported him. He believes that 9/11 was God’s condemnation of America for being tolerant to gays and lesbians, and he believes that the present troubles in Iraq are the direct result of God’s displeasure. 

Just this week he announced he would be picketing the funerals for the victims of Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech mass murderer. Not to fear. Fred is not losing his edge. He believes that Cho is in Hell too, but he believes that Cho “was also fulfilling the word of God.” Apparently, we all needed a wake up call to realize just how mad God was. 

A great theologian once wrote that Christians do not need to contend with non-believers for the conversion of the world. We need to contend with other Christians who are – more often than not – the best argument against Jesus Christ. The Bible says that anyone who stands against the Gospel of Jesus Christ is effectively anti-Christ (2 Thessalonians 2:1-4). Rev. Phelps, I say this in all sincerity and biblical faithfulness: you are the Antichrist, dear sir.

Fred, the best I can pray for you is that one day, when you are cast into the “outer darkness where there is great weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matt. 22:13-14), you will look around and not find a single Irishman, Swede or homosexual. Perhaps then, as you have a moment to pause because Lucifer gags briefly before swallowing you down, you will realize just how horribly, deeply, and truly you have betrayed the Lord and God you once hoped to serve. 

And for that dreadful day I would say, “God be with you” but I know there are some places even He will not go. May it be so, Amen.

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According to the AFP, there is a gathering this week in Abu Dhabi of Arab Muslim physicians and other health care workers. One of the things which they have agreed to condemn is the recent spree of Muslim faith healers which have sprung up, particularly in Muslim communities in Europe.

Well, boys, welcome to the club. Crazies recognize no boundaries. I wish I had better news for my brothers and sisters in Abrahamic faith. But the truth is, this revolution WILL BE TELEVISED.

It will only be a matter of time before they are on TV, in time slots next to Benny Hinn. Take solace in only this: they will never be able to heal themselves. When God calls them, they are done all the same as the rest of us.

Asalaam alaikum!

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Some churches will stop at nothing to oppress the rights of their faithful. I get that. We all have different spiritualities and some of us like a little oppression once in a while. Some are masochists in the bedroom, and others are masochists at prayer. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

But I think you have crossed the line when you start oppressing the spiritual rights of the angelic orders.

Out in Utah, a coffee house in Taylorsville called “Just Add Coffee” is selling T-Shirts of the angel Moroni with coffee being poured into his trumpet. Mormons believe Moroni appeared to their founder, Joseph Smith, and revealed to him the location of golden tables that, when translated, became the Book of Mormon.

The double joke here – in addition to an angel drinking coffee – is that Mormons are not allowed to drink coffee and other caffeinated beverages. So, the Latter Day Saints do not think the T-Shirt is very funny. (This, BTW, is in spite of the fact that “Just Add Coffee” is in Utah, the shirts are selling like mad, and probably more than a few Mormons are buying them.)

The Mormon Church has begun legal proceedings to stop “Just Add Coffee” from producing these T-Shirts.

But I am not sure this is theologically cogent. Mormons are not allowed to drink coffee. I get that. But what about angels? Maybe angels are allowed to drink coffee. Does the Book of Mormon say? I doubt it. Angels can do lots of thinks humans cannot – fly, smell like flowers, look into the depths of the glory of God, live without eating or sleeping or going to the bathroom, and never die.

I really do not think that the Mormons should be curtailing the right of Moroni to have a nice, hot cup of Joe when the mood hits him. He’s got lots of work to do and – like most angels – he probably never sleeps. A little pick-me-up in the morning may be just what he needs.

What is wrong with Mormons that they will deny this simple pleasure to the one who –through the prophet Joseph Smith – founded their whole spiritual clan?

Perhaps if Mormons drank a little caffeine, they would lighten up.

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                    old P&G logo                             new P&G logo

Today, Procter and Gamble Co. won a lawsuit against Amway. A Court of Law in the United States declared that P&G is, in fact, not Satanist. I kid you not. Some judge and jury had to decide this.

There have been urban legends for years that their P&G logo can, when look at a certain way, be seen to have a 666. (Personally, I haven’t seen it, but I am assured that it is there.) Their former logo with a moon and stars started this theory. It was taken to be Satanic based upon the passage from Revelation 12:1 which states: “And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars.” There have been similar legends that P&G executives have appeared on television talk shows (in particular Phil Donahue) and declared their love for the Devil. Also, that some, undisclosed amount of their profits go to the Church of Satan.

Today, Procter and Gamble was awarded $19,250,000 from Amway for slander and Amway was told to cut out the rumors mongering.

Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to.

Personally, I can understand where this rumor might have come from. My 18 month old daughter uses Pampers (a P&G product). Sometimes, there are things in there which must have come from Satan himself.

It also should no to unmentioned that P&G still sponsors many soap operas, including As the World Turns, Guiding Light, the Young and the Restless. I’ve always suspect that something Satanic was going on there.

But, thanks to a jury in Salt Lake City, I now know that all these suspicious were unfounded. Thanks for clearing that one up! Now all I have to worry about are the Freemasons . . .

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